For months now I’ve been trying to figure out how to write about what I’ve termed an ‘In Betweener’ or the more commonly known ‘friends with benefits’. Though, realistically I don’t consider them friends. Even though we may have been having sex for a long time (months to years), I like to keep my In Betweener’s away from my personal circle of friends, co-workers, and family. Now, you may be asking yourself why I call them In-betweeners aside from the fact that I don’t really consider them my friends. Mostly, it’s because their purpose is to fulfill your physical and carnal needs during a transitional period in your life. It could be during college when you’re discovering yourself as a person and are trying to figure out what you want to do for the rest of your life. It could be in between relationships. Almost like a rebound without the messy rebound entanglements of unrequited love due to previous baggage. You could have an in betweener to experiment with your sexuality or even to heal yourself from heartbreak. And so they are the person that helps smooth out periods of down time between important chapters of your life. However, this kind of relationship only works if done correctly.
In betweeners, or friends with benefits come with blaring warning signs. BEWARE. If done wrong, or if you chose the wrong person to have this relationship with, then I see headaches in the future for you. When scouting for this person, there are key traits I look for:
- How connected are they to my sphere of influence = If they are a close friend of my friends, family, or co-workers it’s a No-no. Should anything go wrong, you risk those other relationships as collateral damage since people like to talk, take sides, and be judgmental in general. After all, they are only human.
- Social Media Habits = If they are constantly on social media networks and brag about unfriending people (petty behavior) or express too much personal information on their walls and in their tweets then they are definitely disqualified. First of all, no one wants the world to know their business and that behavior is a huge Warning sign of an emotionally unstable person that doesn’t mind airing their dirty laundry and yours for the world to see. Also, stay away from them as they might use these formats to cyber-stalk you and see where you are going and who you’re with.
- Carefree Vibe = You want someone that doesn’t take too many things to heart and doesn’t get offended easily. If they are too sensitive stay away. Crazies are over sensitive, emotionally unstable, and overreact (so they can’t be the jealous type either). Feel them out, make sure they are on the same page as you.
- Once you pass the first three we can concentrate on level of attraction and sexual prowess. My In-betweeners tend to be on a probationary period in the beginning. I want to see how available they are to me when I need them, how attracted I am to their naked body, and how high or low our sexual compatibility is. Just because he’s the most gorgeous man doesn’t mean he knows how to make a girl orgasm.
All of these things I’ve learned through trial and error. When beginning a relationship like this I like to be very blunt about what I’m looking for and what my expectations are. The last thing I ever want anyone to do is accuse me of misleading them and hurting them in the end. If I am 100% brutally honest at all times, and they still feel hurt by me, then they have no one else to blame but themselves. Plain and simple. I don’t send mixed signals by any means. We don’t go out on dates, we don’t go out in public hand in hand, they don’t meet my family, and rarely my friends. They have their wonderful life and I have mine. Its only when we meet for hours of sex that we let loose with each other via our bodies. Here are a couple of experiences I’ve had. Some have been great and some have sucked ass.
- One of my first In-betweeners began to see me in a different light and accused me of not calling him enough to talk and he didn’t like that fact that during my alma mater’s football season the games on Saturday took precedence over him. He through a fit over the phone and wished my football team a losing season. I felt those were grounds for immediate dismissal. If I wanted a sensitive drama queen as a boyfriend I would have told him so in the beginning. But he knew I didn’t want anything serious with him. He lasted 2 months before I had to let him go as an In-betweener.
- I’ve had a younger lover, 4 years to be exact. And big mistake! For some dumb reason he liked to talk to me about how he almost got into fights and then he would flip the script and go all poetic latin lover on me. BIG turnoff!! Totally lost my hard on after 2 weeks even though he was pretty good in the sac. But definitely not worth the trouble.
- I had one that lasted for around 2 years. At about a year and a half, I fell in love for the first time, told him I got a boyfriend and it was serious. He tried to convince me to keep our casual relationship and dump my boy but I was in love and I don’t cheat so he knew he was out of luck with me. As soon as my relationship with my first love imploded I texted him ‘Hi’ and he knew it was over with my boyfriend. I give my In-betweener’s nicknames and his was the Korean Hacker. And so, the Korean hacker and I had sex soon after my break-up because I wanted to get the stench of my ex off of me and try to heal emotionally. And I have to admit it was too soon after the break-up because I always had orgasms with the Korean hacker but this time I was just blocked and didn’t enjoy it as much. After the sex, we were cuddling when he asked me why I chose my boyfriend over him and how he wants us to have a relationship that’s more serious than our casual flings. That’s when I knew he had to go. Till this day he’s the only in-betweener I’ve ever erased from my books. Unless he contacts me I definitely can’t contact him. I was very upfront about how I never wanted a relationship with him and now is not the right time for me to jump into another serious relationship when I’m still hung up on my ex. And because he felt hurt that I chose my ex over him, the alarms in my mind went off and I knew for his sake we needed a clean no contact break.
These are just examples of ones that have gone wrong. But you need some rain for the rainbow to appear and so, the following tale is about a man I call Tuesday. I nicknamed him that since the majority of the time we’ve been together the only day during the week we can hook up is on Tuesday. I met him in July and we are coming up on our one year anniversary of this casual relationship (Wow! time flies…weird). At that point in my life I was still healing from my ex but I wanted to push forward and try to move on. So I decided to follow the advice of a great man named Marvin Gaye and do some Sexual Healing. In the beginning it was rough in the sense that I didn’t orgasm the way that I used to. He’s the first person I ever faked an orgasm with. And I was so closed off to him emotionally that he would tell me things about himself like his age, where he’s from, where he works, and once a month for the first 3 months I would ask him those questions again. For the life of me I couldn’t remember those details about him because at that point in my life he was inconsequential to me. Someone I could really care less about and wouldn’t blink twice if I never saw again. But he did the sweetest things that over time softened me up a bit. In the beginning I used to compare my sex with him to the sex I had with my ex and he would fall short of that. But after a while the reverse happened. In retrospect it was like taming a stubborn wild stallion (sorry, just watched Secretariat and I have it stuck in my mind…lol). With some patience and sweet talk on his behalf he broke through a little bit of my defenses. And I knew I was over my ex when my orgasms matched and surpassed the ones I had with the ex and instead of comparing him to my ex I would compare my ex to him and the ex would fall leagues shorter than Tuesday. So far Tuesday has been the best In-betweener to date. We are both closed for business emotionally so we never run into any kind of drama. He has his life and dreams. I have mine. But when we get together, its fireworks!! Honestly, it’s a passion I have never experienced before. It’s so hot we can make out for hours and I would be satisfied. But that never happens since clothes get ripped off soon after and hands can’t stay away from each other. We are very clear with each other that we want to have the freedom to date other people or have safe sex with others. And so far I think we have the best casual relationship ever. So here’s to you Tuesday! Cheers babe! I’m glad we found each other and understand each other’s needs and wants. And even though we don’t share our pasts with each other or our hearts with one another, and you may never know this, Thank you for helping me get over my first love. Sheryl Crow said it best with her song ‘The first cut is the deepest’. And it takes a very special man to heal that deep wound. So thank you for being that man. Couldn’t have picked a better one. And so, Tuesday is my current In-betweener until my second love comes around. On a side note, I’m very excited. According to my family psychic he’s American, tall, has a brother that lives abroad, and she mentioned something about kids but I forgot if he has the kids or his brother has the kids. She also told me that he will fall in love with me and I would have to choose whether I wanted his heart. Because once he gives it, he does so completely and passionately. And thanks to Tuesday I think I’ll say yes to that decision. Because now that I’m over my ex and what happened. I’m ready to take that leap of faith again with someone else and see how deep I fall and what I’ll discover when I’m there.
*Sorry this post was so long but apparently I’m a bit of a connoisseur on the subject and have a lot of experiences and advice to share. Also, VERY IMPORTANT… Have safe sex with all you’re In-Betweeners. I have a condom stash at all times. You never know if they have had sex with someone else. Better to be safe than sorry 🙂