Yesterday I had a couple of catalysts that ultimately caused me to have one of the best epiphanies of my life. The first catalyst was my Ex’s announcement of his new relationship. The second was a text from my friends letting me know that they had been talking about me and how much they love me. Those two catalysts happened very close to each other. And they both touched me in different ways. I’m currently in the process of trying to change career’s which entails more school. And immediately after receiving those two messages I felt oddly liberated and looking forward to my new life and where it’s going. I got on the internet and searched all my possibilities, searched all the countries I want to see, the adventurous experience I want to have like skydiving and jumping from a gorgeous cliff into crystal blue waters, I imagined the people I would meet, the love I will find, the friends that will be by my side. And this revelation made me reflect on my life and how I’ve been living it.
One or two years ago I went to the Fair and got on a ride I would never touch out of fear, I ate things I never thought I would eat, I was pushed out of my comfort zone by my friends and ex, and had one of the best Fair days ever. As I was driving to work today it hit me that Life is like a Fair. There are rides you will never go on out of fear, those that you can’t get enough of, those that you try once and are too terrified to do again, and those that are so boring you don’t care to give a second chance. You go into the Fair wide-eyed, excited, nervous, anxious. Some of us will dare to go down every alley and see it all. Some of us will choose certain paths and not stray from it. You can’t wait to see what prizes you will win or what games you’ll lose. And as you walk out towards the long crowded parking lot, you’ll reflect on everything you saw, did, experienced, and decide whether you had the time of your life and are content with the Fair, or if you wish you had chosen differently, seen more, spent more time there, or could have changed something.
Everyone strives to leave the Fair (Life) saying, “I had the time of my life, no regrets, no shame, laughed, loved, cried, was daring, experienced everything I was meant to, and I hope to be there next time you come to town, IF there is a next time.” I think back upon my life and am in awe of my Fair. I have had friends push me out of my comfort zones and I have ridden rides I never imagined I would dare to. I have seen things, won grand prizes, and lost great games. My heart is full and all I look forward to is how much fuller it can get before it bursts. You know how people say, ‘I love you, but I’m not in love with you’. Fuck that shit. I’m IN Love with everyone.
*I’m In Love with my nieces and nephews, for reminding me of how precious pure love and unbridled innocence can be. As we age, whether in large amounts or small increments, life makes us jaded in some regards. But if only we could go back and remember what it’s like to run and catch bubbles on a summer day with the sprinklers wetting us. Or to walk into Disney world, stop, and stare at this wonderful land where true love exists, good always defeats evil, and everything, no matter how crazy an idea, is possible.
*I’m deeply In Love with my brothers’ and sisters’. They held my small hand in theirs and made sure that I would travel through life under their protection, learning from their successes, as well as from their failures. They combed my hair and sent me to school. Taught me how to fight for everything I want to get in this life and stand up for myself and others when called for. They taught me how to mostly pass off as a girl 😉 (That one is still in the works). They wiped away tears, cried at my successes, imparted their wisdom to me, and gave me the best kids an aunt could ever ask for. And I know that no matter what, should I ever fall, they will be the ones, arms wide open, ready to catch me, brush off my scraped knee, and help me get back up.
* I’m In Love with my friends. They are not afraid to bully past my bravado and pride to enter my soul and push me out of my comfort zone to make me a better ME. To my wifey J, we have been inseparable for over a decade. As much as I am your rock, I want you to know that you are my anchor. You keep me grounded, and let me know it’s ok to fall on your face, be a little crazy, and get onto the next chapter life has in store. To E, you are my wings. You inspire me to see the world, be humble, positively impact the lives of those that cross my path, and because you I see this world through a kaleidoscope. Full of colors, wonder, differences, and a gorgeous light that no one can snuff out. No matter how much they try. To B, I have never met someone that pushes their friends to be the best that they can be in every aspect of life and would move heaven and earth to make it happen for them. Whether it’s in my career, my future career, my financials, my health, my heart, my mind, you are my net. Sometimes I’m so hopeful in my climb that I don’t think of the possibility of the fall. And when I fall you are there to catch me mid air, and help me climb up again. To V, you my friend are my courage. You give me the push and strength I need to get out of my comfort zone and strive for more; for better; for different. You remind me that it’s ok to have a heart and feel. I don’t always have to be the rock or hard for others. You let me know it’s ok to have a rock of my own and to lean on it when I needed. Pride be damned. To Jy, of course you fall into 2 categories as my sister and best friend. As my older sister we have held each other’s hands since I was 11 and we have travelled through life without letting go. You have been my partner in crime. You let me know its ok to fail, fall on your face, embarrass myself, but that there is no shame or regrets in the attempt to fly. Whether it is with boys, love, school, friends, life, we have held each other through it all. And I am so grateful we were fated to be together, holding hands as children, until we are forced to let go as old bittys. And even then I know we’ll hold hands again in the future.
*And finally, I’m In Love with all of those who held my heart or my body. Since middle school they have made me feel things I never knew were possible. You have made me feel joy, excitement, nervousness, exhilaration, ecstasy, pain, and love. Sometimes we focus so much on all other aspects of life and we ignore our hearts. Guilty as charged. But whether they were a short ride in the Fair, not worth the tickets, or a longer ride that made your heart race, they have all made my heart what it is today and made others have to be worthy of receiving it. They all played their part and made choices that have opened doors for someone better or different to take their place. When my heart was broken over a year ago, I was so focused on the pain and the hurt that I didn’t realize the gift I was given. My Ex wanted to become a better man for me on his own, at the risk of losing me. He saw something that I didn’t see. He saw the flaws in himself and felt they needed to be fixed for us to have a future together. All I saw was an asshole breaking our hearts for no good reason. But for some reason I could never truly bring myself to begrudge his decision. And so, as my first true love, I will say, I’m in Love with you. For loving me enough to let me go when you needed to. Sometimes that’s the best gift anyone could give to their partners. If it’s meant to be, then eventually it will be. And if not, then at least we have the freedom to let our ‘Meant to be’ find us. And so thank you. I could never begrudge you wanting better for yourself. That’s the only thing I would ever want for you. Your happiness. And so with that being said, I wholeheartedly wish that you get everything you ever want in life. Thanks for the ride. And my gift to you in return is wishing you leave this Fair saying “I had the time of my life, no regrets, no shame, laughed, loved, cried, was daring, experienced everything I was meant to, and I hope to be there next time you come to town, IF there is a next time.”