Today I was talking to a friend who is questioning her relationship with her ex. And the main issue is the expectations they have of each other. He wants someone that wants to settle, and She wants someone to support her ambitions and dreams no matter where they take her. But, where is the line between compromising for the sake of your relationship, and changing who you are for the sake of your relationship?
We’ve all compromised on some miniscule level with our partners. Let some annoying habits slide, cringed but kept our mouths shut when they said something inappropriate, embarrassing, or just wrong. But what happens when those compromises start adding up. And one morning you wake up to the startling realization that you love this person so MUCH, you’ve let loads of shit slide under the rug to the point that you look at the person you were before them, and come to the conclusion that you love/respect that girl (or boy) MORE, than who you are now.
Based on my observation, aside from blinding love, the key to long lasting relationships is compromise. Which is totally understandable and logical.
Two different people, with differing opinions, on different things, someone’s gotta give sometimes. But before you enter into a serious relationship, you have to, HAVE TO, have fallen in love with someone for who they are and who THEY want to be. Not for whom YOU want them to be. The person they are today is who they will be tomorrow. If they didn’t want to change for themselves, why would you think they would change for you? It’s their essence, their core, their light. And who are you to snuff that light out? Whether they are settled and you want them to be ambitious, or they are assholes and you want them to grow up. I refuse to fall in love deluding myself into thinking that I’m going to make someone “better” or “different” according to MY ideals of what they need to be. That’s Fucked up! I fell in love based on who they were. Based on THEIR current ambitions, and visions of what They would do, and who THEY would be. And I was there to support them and those dreams. Never in that equation did I expect them to be anything different, than who they showed me from the beginning. And I would expect the same in return.
I heard this great quote from Dave Chapelle that goes “name your price and if it ever get’s more expensive then the price you named, get out of there.” When it comes to relationships, compromising, and changing who you are whether you term it “growth” or “maturing” in a relationship, this advice applies. Name your price. What’s your line in the sand? Going out dancing less?, Sacrificing some of your dreams or ambitions? Travelling?, Time with your friends?, Relationships with your family?, Messiness?, Jealousy?, Behavioral habits?, Hygiene habits?. What is YOUR price?. And if they refuse to compromise on your bottom line price, then get the hell out of there. I would rather be alone and love/respect the woman that I am or have become, than be married or in a relationship, lonely, giving up everything I used to hold dear to me, just to receive the love of a man that never truly loved me, or respected me enough to accommodate my wants and needs, but instead only gives his love to the woman HE chose me to become.
*Some food for thought 😉