Tag Archives: dating

In a Relationship: When does compromising, Compromise who you are?

Today I was talking to a friend who is questioning her relationship with her ex. And the main issue is the expectations they have of each other. He wants someone that wants to settle, and She wants someone to support her ambitions and dreams no matter where they take her. But, where is the line between compromising for the sake of your relationship, and changing who you are for the sake of your relationship?

We’ve all compromised on some miniscule level with our partners. Let some annoying habits slide, cringed but kept our mouths shut when they said something inappropriate, embarrassing, or just wrong. But what happens when those compromises start adding up. And one morning you wake up to the startling realization that you love this person so MUCH, you’ve let loads of shit slide under the rug to the point that you look at the person you were before them, and come to the conclusion that you love/respect that girl (or boy) MORE, than who you are now.

Based on my observation, aside from blinding love, the key to long lasting relationships is compromise. Which is totally understandable and logical.

Two different people, with differing opinions, on different things, someone’s gotta give sometimes. But before you enter into a serious relationship, you have to, HAVE TO, have fallen in love with someone for who they are and who THEY want to be. Not for whom YOU want them to be. The person they are today is who they will be tomorrow. If they didn’t want to change for themselves, why would you think they would change for you? It’s their essence, their core, their light. And who are you to snuff that light out? Whether they are settled and you want them to be ambitious, or they are assholes and you want them to grow up. I refuse to fall in love deluding myself into thinking that I’m going to make someone “better” or “different” according to MY ideals of what they need to be. That’s Fucked up! I fell in love based on who they were. Based on THEIR current ambitions, and visions of what They would do, and who THEY would be. And I was there to support them and those dreams. Never in that equation did I expect them to be anything different, than who they showed me from the beginning. And I would expect the same in return.

I heard this great quote from Dave Chapelle that goes “name your price and if it ever get’s more expensive then the price you named, get out of there.”  When it comes to relationships, compromising, and changing who you are whether you term it “growth” or “maturing” in a relationship, this advice applies. Name your price. What’s your line in the sand? Going out dancing less?, Sacrificing some of your dreams or ambitions? Travelling?, Time with your friends?, Relationships with your family?, Messiness?, Jealousy?, Behavioral habits?, Hygiene habits?.  What is YOUR price?. And if they refuse to compromise on your bottom line price, then get the hell out of there. I would rather be alone and love/respect the woman that I am or have become, than be married or in a relationship, lonely, giving up everything I used to hold dear to me, just to receive the love of a man that never truly loved me, or respected me enough to accommodate my wants and needs, but instead only gives his love to the woman HE chose me to become.

*Some food for thought 😉

So True

He just got “Flock of Seagulled”

Where to begin. If you’ve ever seen ‘New Girl’, remember the last episode of the season, where Schmidt tries to break-up with Cece by ‘White Fanging’ her? Anyways, he just read a book called White Fang and he feels as if Cece would be better with someone as pretty and talented as her, and he feels like he doesn’t deserve her so he acts like an ass to her, breaks up with her, and shoos her away like a dog (based on the book he just read ‘White Fang’). He does this so she can find happiness at the cost of them not being together. I could say my Ex ‘White Fanged’ me. LOL.

Anyway, I gave this background because on Sunday night I ‘Flock of Seagulled’ my long term ‘In Betweener’. If you don’t know what an ‘In-Betweener’ is just read the first paragraph of my previous post.

I was hanging out with my friend’s on Sunday night and somehow the subject of ‘Tuesday’ my In-Betweener came up. He was going to try to come over to my place Sunday night so we could hook up. My Friend commented that she can’t believe in July it’s going to be a year of us sleeping with each other without having some kind of deeper relationship. My guy friend, who is the male version of me, said “Oh, he’s your casual Boyfriend”.  Within the seconds it took my inner ear to send that sound wave to my brain which translated and heard BOYFRIEND! BOYFRIEND! BOYFRIEND!…my brain exploded with a ringing ALERT, ALERT, GO TO BATTLESTATIONS, THIS IS NOT A DRILL…. Sirens were going off at full volume. I told them, “NO! He’s not my casual boyfriend!”. And like a scene from an elementary school playground it was a back and forth of “Yes he is!”, “NO! He ISN’T!”. And by the time I left my friend’s place I felt white as a ghost in the car. He’s not my boyfriend! I don’t love him, he doesn’t love me, we’ve never been on a date, sure he slept overnight once but that doesn’t mean we’re monogamous with each other. He can fuck other chicks! I can fuck other dudes! And no matter how I tried to ignore the ‘B’ word, or justify my point, the sirens in my brain where still going off in full force.

So sitting in my car, still in the parking lot of my friend’s house, I ‘Flock of Seagulled’ his ass. “And I RAN! I Ran so Far Away! I just Ran, I Ran all night and Day!”.

How did I achieve this you may ask? Let me begin by saying that I freely admit to having the emotional maturity of an 8 year old when it comes to dumping someone. I have written ‘Dear John’ letters, told them their voice is too deep and they sound like a rapist, they look like a white monkey, they need to grow a pair of balls and man up, etc. I’m a Disaster. I don’t know how to reject someone and I hate doing it (unless they piss me off). I’ve actually tried breaking things off with Tuesday before, by ignoring his texts. But that backfired because when I don’t text him back asap, he gets annoyed/insecure, texts me a whole bunch, I then feel guilty, chicken out from cutting ties, and we have sex again. However, for the last couple of months he’s been acting kind of vague and weird when I ask simple questions. For example, I asked if he normally works late or what his schedule looks like. He mumbles something like ‘sure; work late’ and changes the subject. I literally start laughing. I can’t help it. He has a look in his face like I want to squeeze information out of him for devious purposes. Listen, he works at a Ruby Tuesday. First of all, I’ve never been to one. There isn’t one near me. I would never waste the gas to go to one just to see him at his job. I asked for his work schedule so I know when I can call him to come over so we can hook up. So picture this, we just had great sex, we’re both in the shower talking shit and I ask him this question. He gets all awkward and vague, I immediately start cracking up in laughter, he asks me why I’m laughing and I don’t have the heart to tell him that A: I’m asking questions with a logical purpose, B: I’m trying to be a bit more polite than usual, you know, like I care a bit. And this happens multiple times. The look on his face when he avoids the topic is Epic. Like a deer in headlights. And for some reason I don’t have the heart to tell him that there’s no way I’ll fall in love with him. I think that’s his fear. But, realistically dude. Why would I fall for someone that told me he is as emotionally unavailable as I am. Second, in a way, he reminds me of my Ex. And I don’t want to get ‘White Fanged’ again down the line. We have never been on a date. And I barely know anything about him. If I remember correctly he’s from Georgia, 29, I think he has 1 brother, I know he has an Aunt here in Miami, and he works at a Ruby Tuesday. Yup, that’s all a girl needs to know in order to give her heart away to a boy. Just because I opened my legs for you doesn’t mean I opened my heart too. If anything I locked it up a little bit more because you put out so easily. And so the only way I could ‘Flock of Seagull’ from him was by giving him his worst nightmare. I texted him like 4 times about how badly I wanted his cock, then sent a text about how drunk I was (totally not true, but I had a feeling it might offend his Christian sensibilities), and then sent another text apologizing for all the texts and ended it with ‘ttyl’. Haven’t heard from him since. I realize he might come out of the woodwork later on. But for now, the sirens in my head have been silenced. Did I totally panic? Hell Yes, and maybe Overreact? Maybe. But what can I say, I thought I was ready to fall in love again, and I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to have what I lost about a year ago. At least that’s what I thought. And when I was told I had a Casual Boyfriend I freaked out. Maybe I’m not ready. Or maybe I’m just not ready with Tuesday. Who knows? All I know is that if I fall in love again, it won’t be because I was looking for it, or because I decided to try to love again. It will be because Love found me. And I stumbled on a rock and fell face forward onto it. And hopefully it will be with someone that I won’t want to ‘Flock of Seagulls’ from. 😉

In Between you, me, and my sheets ;)

For months now I’ve been trying to figure out how to write about what I’ve termed an ‘In Betweener’ or the more commonly known ‘friends with benefits’.  Though, realistically I don’t consider them friends. Even though we may have been having sex for a long time (months to years), I like to keep my In Betweener’s away from my personal circle of friends, co-workers, and family. Now, you may be asking yourself why I call them In-betweeners aside from the fact that I don’t really consider them my friends. Mostly, it’s because their purpose is to fulfill your physical and carnal needs during a transitional period in your life. It could be during college when you’re discovering yourself as a person and are trying to figure out what you want to do for the rest of your life. It could be in between relationships. Almost like a rebound without the messy rebound entanglements of unrequited love due to previous baggage. You could have an in betweener to experiment with your sexuality or even to heal yourself from heartbreak. And so they are the person that helps smooth out periods of down time between important chapters of your life. However, this kind of relationship only works if done correctly.

In betweeners, or friends with benefits come with blaring warning signs. BEWARE. If done wrong, or if you chose the wrong person to have this relationship with, then I see headaches in the future for you. When scouting for this person, there are key traits I look for:

  • How connected are they to my sphere of influence = If they are a close friend of my friends, family, or co-workers it’s a No-no. Should anything go wrong, you risk those other relationships as collateral damage since people like to talk, take sides, and be judgmental in general. After all, they are only human.
  • Social Media Habits  = If they are constantly on social media networks and brag about unfriending people (petty behavior) or express too much personal information on their walls and in their tweets then they are definitely disqualified. First of all, no one wants the world to know their business and that behavior is a huge Warning sign of an emotionally unstable person that doesn’t mind airing their dirty laundry and yours for the world to see. Also, stay away from them as they might use these formats to cyber-stalk you and see where you are going and who you’re with.
  • Carefree Vibe = You want someone that doesn’t take too many things to heart and doesn’t get offended easily. If they are too sensitive stay away. Crazies are over sensitive, emotionally unstable, and overreact (so they can’t be the jealous type either). Feel them out, make sure they are on the same page as you.
  • Once you pass the first three we can concentrate on level of attraction and sexual prowess. My In-betweeners tend to be on a probationary period in the beginning. I want to see how available they are to me when I need them, how attracted I am to their naked body, and how high or low our sexual compatibility is. Just because he’s the most gorgeous man doesn’t mean he knows how to make a girl orgasm.

All of these things I’ve learned through trial and error. When beginning a relationship like this I like to be very blunt about what I’m looking for and what my expectations are. The last thing I ever want anyone to do is accuse me of misleading them and hurting them in the end. If I am 100% brutally honest at all times, and they still feel hurt by me, then they have no one else to blame but themselves. Plain and simple. I don’t send mixed signals by any means. We don’t go out on dates, we don’t go out in public hand in hand, they don’t meet my family, and rarely my friends. They have their wonderful life and I have mine. Its only when we meet for hours of sex that we let loose with each other via our bodies. Here are a couple of experiences I’ve had. Some have been great and some have sucked ass.

  • One of my first In-betweeners began to see me in a different light and accused me of not calling him enough to talk and he didn’t like that fact that during my alma mater’s football season the games on Saturday took precedence over him. He through a fit over the phone and wished my football team a losing season. I felt those were grounds for immediate dismissal. If I wanted a sensitive drama queen as a boyfriend I would have told him so in the beginning. But he knew I didn’t want anything serious with him. He lasted 2 months before I had to let him go as an In-betweener.
  • I’ve had a younger lover, 4 years to be exact. And big mistake! For some dumb reason he liked to talk to me about how he almost got into fights and then he would flip the script and go all poetic latin lover on me. BIG turnoff!! Totally lost my hard on after 2 weeks even though he was pretty good in the sac. But definitely not worth the trouble.
  • I had one that lasted for around 2 years. At about a year and a half, I fell in love for the first time, told him I got a boyfriend and it was serious. He tried to convince me to keep our casual relationship and dump my boy but I was in love and I don’t cheat so he knew he was out of luck with me. As soon as my relationship with my first love imploded I texted him ‘Hi’ and he knew it was over with my boyfriend. I give my In-betweener’s nicknames and his was the Korean Hacker. And so, the Korean hacker and I had sex soon after my break-up because I wanted to get the stench of my ex off of me and try to heal emotionally. And I have to admit it was too soon after the break-up because I always had orgasms with the Korean hacker but this time I was just blocked and didn’t enjoy it as much. After the sex, we were cuddling when he asked me why I chose my boyfriend over him and how he wants us to have a relationship that’s more serious than our casual flings. That’s when I knew he had to go. Till this day he’s the only in-betweener I’ve ever erased from my books. Unless he contacts me I definitely can’t contact him. I was very upfront about how I never wanted a relationship with him and now is not the right time for me to jump into another serious relationship when I’m still hung up on my ex. And because he felt hurt that I chose my ex over him, the alarms in my mind went off and I knew for his sake we needed a clean no contact break.

These are just examples of ones that have gone wrong. But you need some rain for the rainbow to appear and so, the following tale is about a man I call Tuesday. I nicknamed him that since the majority of the time we’ve been together the only day during the week we can hook up is on Tuesday. I met him in July and we are coming up on our one year anniversary of this casual relationship (Wow! time flies…weird). At that point in my life I was still healing from my ex but I wanted to push forward and try to move on. So I decided to follow the advice of a great man named Marvin Gaye and do some Sexual Healing. In the beginning it was rough in the sense that I didn’t orgasm the way that I used to. He’s the first person I ever faked an orgasm with. And I was so closed off to him emotionally that he would tell me things about himself like his age, where he’s from, where he works, and once a month for the first 3 months I would ask him those questions again. For the life of me I couldn’t remember those details about him because at that point in my life he was inconsequential to me. Someone I could really care less about and wouldn’t blink twice if I never saw again. But he did the sweetest things that over time softened me up a bit. In the beginning I used to compare my sex with him to the sex I had with my ex and he would fall short of that. But after a while the reverse happened. In retrospect it was like taming a stubborn wild stallion (sorry, just watched Secretariat and I have it stuck in my mind…lol). With some patience and sweet talk on his behalf he broke through a little bit of my defenses. And I knew I was over my ex when my orgasms matched and surpassed the ones I had with the ex and instead of comparing him to my ex I would compare my ex to him and the ex would fall leagues shorter than Tuesday. So far Tuesday has been the best In-betweener to date. We are both closed for business emotionally so we never run into any kind of drama. He has his life and dreams. I have mine. But when we get together, its fireworks!! Honestly, it’s a passion I have never experienced before. It’s so hot we can make out for hours and I would be satisfied. But that never happens since clothes get ripped off soon after and hands can’t stay away from each other.  We are very clear with each other that we want to have the freedom to date other people or have safe sex with others. And so far I think we have the best casual relationship ever. So here’s to you Tuesday! Cheers babe! I’m glad we found each other and understand each other’s needs and wants. And even though we don’t share our pasts with each other or our hearts with one another, and you may never know this, Thank you for helping me get over my first love. Sheryl Crow said it best with her song ‘The first cut is the deepest’. And it takes a very special man to heal that deep wound. So thank you for being that man. Couldn’t have picked a better one. And so, Tuesday is my current In-betweener until my second love comes around. On a side note, I’m very excited. According to my family psychic he’s American, tall, has a brother that lives abroad, and she mentioned something about kids but I forgot if he has the kids or his brother has the kids. She also told me that he will fall in love with me and I would have to choose whether I wanted his heart. Because once he gives it, he does so completely and passionately. And thanks to Tuesday I think I’ll say yes to that decision. Because now that I’m over my ex and what happened. I’m ready to take that leap of faith again with someone else and see how deep I fall and what I’ll discover when I’m there.

*Sorry this post was so long but apparently I’m a bit of a connoisseur on the subject and have a lot of experiences and advice to share. Also, VERY IMPORTANT… Have safe sex with all you’re In-Betweeners. I have a condom stash at all times. You never know if they have had sex with someone else. Better to be safe than sorry 🙂